Thursday, May 17, 2012

It still feels a little weird to say I have 5 kids. It sounds much crazier than even 4. It makes me feel a bit old, yet on the other hand it makes me feel kind of proud. I love each of my children so much. I love having a baby. But not every second of it. Babies are really hard, and you think on my 5th one it would be a piece of cake, but it never is. People ask, "Is she a good baby?" And the answer is yes. Of course she is. But that doesn't mean we don't have some hard days and many hard nights. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to soothe a fussy or gassy baby, especially in the wee hours of the morning on little sleep. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I love my life. I love being a mother. I love that perfect little face and those tiny feet. I love that funny tongue jabbing out. I love that baby smell and that milk breath. I love watching the kids competing for the best spot to talk to their baby sister when she is awake. I love watching them hold her. I love her smiles, oh how I love her smiles. I love her chubby double chin, her pop out belly button, her funny cross eyed faces and her teeny knuckles. But it is hard. I get grumpy. It is depressing to put on anything but sweats, because I am so overweight. That makes it hard to get motivated to even leave to get groceries, not to mention the fact that I will have to hope that trip goes smoothly with at least 2 kids and one baby along. Most mornings I shout from the bed for the big kids to hurry up getting ready for school, until I can no longer procrastinate opening my eyes and getting out to help. Trent has been leaving to work at 5am, so in the evenings we are both exhausted, the house looks like crap, and often the dinner is fast food. It isn't glamorous or exciting. But would I trade it for any other life? Absolutely not. There are these moments when I look at my children and the gratitude begins to swell up in my chest and push itself into a knot in my throat and slides down my cheek in a tear. Nothing beats it. I try to remind myself that I won't be fat forever, my house won't be filthy forever and my children won't be young forever.